Ixzion rates your art.
I am a credited art critic. So I have allowed the
unwashed masses to show me their art, so that
it may be critiqued with a keen eye.
They were to do one of the following: a poem (4 lines), a paragraph, or
a picture. So instead of stabbings and medal-giving, I changed
it to A-F this time.
Anyway, if you're new to this column, then leave now. If you're too
dense to leave, then stay. Anyone else, here's how this goes:
You see, usually every time I respond to a question, I will post a Stab-O-Meter
score beside it. If your post is truly stupid (and believe me, they're
all stupid), then I will stab you on a 1-6 scale. The more stupid it is, the more times
I will stab you. Or, conversely, you shall get a medal.
 or
 ?
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Reader: Kratos Aurion
Response:
I walked along the dark halls of this strange place,
unaware of what could come creeping out. I saw a huge black
man, sitting in a chair at the end of the hall mumbling
something about fried chicken and watermelon. I found it
creepy and kept walking until I saw some white kid in an
office, conducting as orchestral music floated out of his
computer. I thought it was rather freaky, so I continued to
move on and reached another office, which contained a girl
from Ohio (it said so on the door) and she was having
lesbian sex on her desk, so I did not bother to knock. I
walked further down the hall to the room of a Canadian
woman who was doing.... whatever Canadians like to do for
fun. I walked to the end of the hall and entered my office,
where I had stacks of paper on my desk regarding all the
reviews I had to issue. So this is what goes on in the RPG
Maker Magazine HQ.
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Stab-O-Meter
C -
Pedantic
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Ixzion's Response to: Krazy Auriental
Response:
How many times do I have to tell you? What happens in
the Mag offices STAYS in the Mag offices! Next thing you
know, everyone's gonna want to be staff. I got my eye
on you, sucka.
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Reader: 1ce
Response:
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Stab-O-Meter
D
"D"eal with it.
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Ixzion's Response to: Ice
Response:
Holy crap, that's so ugly it could be a modern art
masterpiece. Being an art critic and a sane human being,
I'm divided between wanting to give this pug fugly thing
an A+ and a F. So it gets a D.
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Reader: Dr. Necros
Response:
Title: The end of videogames
Who was to blame for this end of fame?
Was it Kazuki Takahashi, or the slob known as Yoshi?
All the nerds go on a frenzy, twas end of D&D.
So now you know all this crap, came from Japan.
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Stab-O-Meter
F
Illegitimate
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Ixzion's Response to: Dr. Nick
Response:
I have something for you, too.
Roses are red,
violets are blue.
that poem really sucked,
so you get an F.
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Reader: Be@uty_Queen
Response:
Look, look! A cat is in a tree
Climb, climb! I climbed that big oak tree
Fell, fell! I falled down from the tree
Ouch, ouch! I think i got a bleed, Eeee!
"Seriously, you're supposed to read it like a song ^^. "
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Stab-O-Meter
D+
Better than turtle vomit.
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Ixzion's Response to: Dr@g_Queen
Response:
News flash: as an art critic, I will rate what you
submitted in any way I like! So, I think that this was
supposed to be a haiku. You fail.
I'm just kidding. Even the way you want me to do it sucks.
Put more effort into it next time or better yet, quit
making stupid art.
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Reader: N.L.Y.
Response:
Japanese tricksters
made Ixz believe that he was
writing poetry.
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Stab-O-Meter
F
Haiku owns.
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Ixzion's Response to: Why God? Why?
Response:
Here's a trick for you:
shove your head up your butt and
fart loudly, moron.
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Reader: Lantis
Response:
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Stab-O-Meter
B -
You're special.
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Ixzion's Response to: Sunkist
Response:
This the the result of mixing "art" with a low sense
of self-worth, which apparently is what happened in
this case. It would be better to give this a slightly
higher grade so the poor sap won't kill himself.
So good job, Lantis. You REALLY are a good person and
DESERVE TO LIVE OUT THE REST OF YOUR DAYS DO NOT KILL
YOURSELF PLEASE.
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Reader: Duelpro
Response:
Omg! Lantis is in a tree!
Facts is chasing Hell Hunter with a knife!
Something even i would believe!
Meh, thats life.
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Stab-O-Meter
F
Stop raping our minds.
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Ixzion's Response to: Droolpro
Response:
If one is not prepared when reading something by this
Droolpro, their IQ immediately drops 1 point per word.
And since I neglected to warn you people, the effect
must be like someone shot you in the head and you lived.
I hope you're not a vegetable. Oh, and Droolpro, this is
terrible. If you only wrote your name, you would have
at least had a D.
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Reader: facts
Response:
I'm wasting my life away at this place
Hey look, my shoe is missing a lace
Someone just got called a f*g
Hey look, I'm at the Mag!
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Stab-O-Meter
F+
Hang up the pencils.
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Ixzion's Response to: lies
Response:
If you don't like this place, you are free to leave. But
since you're here with art...
The poem is as juvenile and blasé as you are. Ta-ta.
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Reader: Regal
Response:
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Stab-O-Meter
B+
Not Unpleasant
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Ixzion's Response to: Beeble
Response:
A good art critic like myself can never give a low
grade to a cherished childhood mascot screaming for
boobies.
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Reader: Pagerron
Response:
Here is sit enthralled again
Searching through these threads again
I promised myself I'd get off again
But then again I lied...again
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Stab-O-Meter
E
E for Emo.
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Ixzion's Response to: More like...Lame-erron
Response:
Sounds really emo. You're emo, aren't you? You get an
E for emo because you want everyone to know that you're
emo don't you, emo kid?
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Reader: Bonanza Wire
Response:
Bonanza loves the green like any other n**ga
Even though I work a job that pays meager figgaz
But don't fret (why?) Cause I be saving money up
Til I'm stacked, and then the hood thinks "What the cluck?"
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Stab-O-Meter
B +
Rap is great.
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Ixzion's Response to: Pants on Fire
Response:
Contrary to popular belief, rap is a valid art form. Not
the commercial rap as much, but the very essence of rap is worthy of
being called art. So as dumb as your lyrics are, I'm giving
this a B+. I'm political!
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Reader: Perversion
Response:
RPG Maker,
I'm wasting my life away
Making games with you.
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Stab-O-Meter
C
Good one.
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Ixzion's Response to: Uh...non-perversion thing.
Response:
One of the best here. You truly grasp what I've been
trying to tell everyone. Enjoy your C. You've earned it.
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Ixzion's Response to: Reader's Voice Readers
Response:
I quit doing Reader's Voice. Whoever does it next, I pity
them.
Anyway, the topic for the next Reader's Voice
is Reader's Voice: 10 Issues and 10 Greatest Letters. Check
the RPGMM Issue Contributions
forum to respond later.
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