A chicken and an egg were having sex. The egg finished, lit up a cigarette and stated, "Well, I guess we know who came first."

the past 2 jokes where flipping awesome!

What marriage is about

He ordered one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.


He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles

and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple -

all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table.

He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.


The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,

the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food

and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered





"THE TEETH."

LOL. I've never heard that one before, KittyK. Good one.

-----------The Robber-------------------------

Late one night, a robber broke into a house that he'd assumed was empty.

As he walked through the living room in the dark to find the loot, he heard a voice, "Watch out. Jesus is watching you."

Thinking that he was just hearing voices in his head, he kept searching around for the valuables. Again, he heard the voice, "Watch out. Jesus is watching you."

Knowing it wasn't a voice in his head anymore, he shined his flashlight in the direction of the voice and came upon a huge parrot. "Watch out. Jesus is watching you." The robber began to laugh out loud. Here he'd been scared by a big green bird! LOL!!

Suddenly, from within the shadows, the family's pit bull pounced on the robber. The last thing that the robber saw before he died was the pit bull's name tag, and on it was his name:








JESUS

here's one

I have plenty of jokes!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy was in the South of France, and could not understand why his friend had attracted all the girls at the beach, while he pulled nothing.

So he asked him, "Why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?"

He replied, "Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!"

So, the guy stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Many hours later, he still had no woman. He went to see his friend again and said, "I've tried it and it doesn't work!"

His friend looked at the guy and said, "Have you tried putting the potato in the front?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny who managed to swim to the closest island.

After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.

"Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."

"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the confident Dr. Eskin. "Five years ago I gave the $500,000 to the United Way. I donated the same amount four years ago. And three years ago, I did very well in the stock market so I contributed $750,000. Last year, business was good so the charity got $1,000,000."

"So what?" shouted Benny.

"Well, it's time for their annual fund drive, and you can bet they're going to find me," smiled Dr. Eskin.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The CIA, the FBI, and the LAPD are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: 'Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Romance Mathematics
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Office Arithmetic
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Shopping Math
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

General Equations & Statistics
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

A 6-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6-year old.
"I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4-year old nods his head in approval.
The 6-year old continues,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year old
What he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
Whack! He flies out of the chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
Gets up, runs upstairs crying his eyes out,
With his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His Mom locks him in his room and shouts,
"You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year old and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know", he blubbers,
"but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

Agentsix wins, lol.

That is very Kratos-esque...

haha.. i'm not even going to start in cus i think they're all good jokes XD

this is one of my favourites that my friend told me once. coudln't quite remember exactly how it went so i looked it up - found good url for other jokes ^__^ - http://www.sgoc.de/math.html

The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says, "Go and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."

13 Things PMS Stands For:


1. Pass My Shotgun


2. Psychotic Mood Shift


3. Perpetual Munching Spree


4. Puffy Mid-Section


5. People Make me Sick


6. Provide Me with Sweets


7. Pardon My Sobbing


8. Pimples May Surface


9. Pass My Sweat pants


10. Pissy Mood Syndrome


11. Plainly; Men Suck


12. Pack My Stuff


and my favorite one.


13. Potential Murder Suspect

Prime Minister Paul Martin, Finance Minister Ralph Goodale, and Revenue Minister John McCallum are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in British Columbia when Martin turns to Goodale and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."


Goodale shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy."

Not to be outdone, McCallum says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and make millions of people happy."

---------------

The original name for Canada, dreamed up by a parliamentary committee in London, was "Cold North Dominion," but that waas too long, so they abbreviated it C.N.D. The King's Royal Governor presented the new name to the inhabitants, and they didn't say a word. Just looked at him.

"Well, what do you think?" asked the Royal Governor?

"C., eh?" said the first fellow, and just looked at the Governor.

"N., eh?" says the second guy.

"D., eh?" says a third one. Then silence.

"Hey," says the Governor. "I like that. It's a helluva lot easier to pronounce when you spell it that way."

So that's how Canada got its name.

----------

Happy Canada Day ^_______________^

^my french teacher told me that.

I have one just like Sumi's, only it goes like this:

Bill Gates, Alice Walton and Bill Clinton are sitting in an airplane when Bill Gates says, "I could throw $100,000 out the window and make 100,000 people happy". Alice Walton says "Well, I could throw out $1 Billion dollars and make a billion people happy. Bill Clinton says, "Well... Um... I could throw myself out and make everyone happy"

I think Sumi's better, partly because I'm not sure I told mine right.

This woman is in the kitchen washing dishes when she overhears her son playing with his train set. "Alright everyone who's getting off the train, take your s**t and get the f**k off. everyone who's getting on the train, get on and bring your s**t with you. The mother comes in the living room and sais," I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU LEARNED TO TALK LIKE THAT YOUNG MAN, BUT UNTIL YOU LEARN HOW TO SPEAK NICELY, GO TO YOUR ROOM." After 1 hour the boy comes out and appologizes to his mom. She lets him play with his train set again. She hears him playing with his train set again. "Good evening everyone, if you are leaving please take your bags with you and watch your step. If you are riding the train, please enter and place any bags in the overhead compartment. If you like to speak with the person responsible for the 1 hour delay please see that f**king b**ch in the kitchen.

WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.



MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge
boobs, who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t

Lame, biased, bullsh*t. See? I'm good with jokes, too.

^ Ok so whats your jokes?

*BUMP*

HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT
in January 2009

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her
first night in the White House. She has waited so long..........

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"


Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."


The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says,

"Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."


On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"



Lincoln says,

"Go to the theater