My mother, father, and step-father was there.

In the beginning, there was a large mass of awesome, it took form and I burst from the womb. My mother has never been the same since. I'd like to start out this little rhetoric by asking kindly that all of you listening do not judge my family. You can judge me, but do not assume anything about them as you don't know them. I don't want your pity, i don't need your pity, I don't need your sympathy either, but I welcome it. My choices are simple a choice to be an agnostic, a choice to move here, a choice to help others, and a choice to stop blaming and start accepting. My last choice was not mine to be made, and as such I find it only fitting to save it for last.

I chose to be an Agnostic and it's lonely. It's so ridiculously lonely not having anyone to lean on when the world fall's apart. I think my legs are strong enough to bear the weight of the world, so I will carry it. I'm not Atlas, but I think if you have the strength it would be a crime to not use it. I take comfort in the unknown because it lets me know there is still more to learn and room to improve. It's not that I haven't tried looking for a religion, I study them all the time but nothing seems to sound quite right. I don't want to say why I dislike each one, because I respect all your choices and this is neither the time nor place for such dissent. I feel like burning my own path not just following down everyone else's like a rain drop on a window. I don't suggest my path for lots of people because it requires a lot more solitude than most can deal with. I'm constantly looking for a hand to hold to anchor me to the world, but I can live without one for now. I keep holding hands with girls because I am such a sucker for a pretty girl's smile. I mean true beauty, not the skin deep orange of a fake tan or the caked on layers of make-up that make them look so trashy. I mean a real pretty girl, inside and out. There's not a lot of girls out there who find me attractive though. Religion seems to be a requirement for a lot of girls. It's not that I'm indecisive either, I know what I want from the world and girls my age want a guy that they can shape to be the perfect guy for them.

I chose to move here. Everyday I felt like I betrayed my mom and I felt like that even more so when I found out about the last choice that was made for me. More on that later. My mother has lived her entire life for my brother and me. She worked so hard so that me and John would always have what we wanted regardless of what it cost her. I can easily say I am a Momma's boy and be proud of that. I moved up here because I thought it was time my mom should start living for herself. She didn't need the burden of my brother and me any longer. 16 years was more than enough time for me. I moved away from all my friends into a new place that I was lost in. I came from a school of 421 students, this place is a culture shock. I tried fitting in though, I've never really quite fit in anywhere, I mean you guys know me. I'm weird. I also moved here because I thought my father was lonely. I suppose he was somewhat, but not like I imagined. My father is alone by what appears to be choice. I have no idea why anyone would want to be alone for such a long period of time. I am fearful that I will become my father if I'm not careful. It's not that he is a bad man by any means, his lifestyle is just not for me. I want to live life now AND later. Dad saves for later. I remember once at Christmas after we were done opening all our presents I looked around and I did the most hurtful thing I think I could have ever done. I asked "Is this it?" my brother rightly slapped me in the back of the head for I didn't realize quite what I had just done. Mom reacted by saying she could go to the store right then and buy anything I wanted. I don't want much mom, I just want love. That's enough to make me happy these days. No matter how many times I say it, it'll never feel it's enough. I'm sorry momma for all the trouble I gave you and I love you greatly. I love all of you and I thank you all for the sacrifices you've made for me.

Some of you may not believe in Altruism, but it's what I base most of my life off of. I try and be a moral beacon all to myself since I don't have a savior that died for my sins or someone who has come to show me the "true" path. Lots of people have tried, but I can taste their human corruption in my soul and it is a putrid taste. Who I want to be like when I grow up? Not Jesus, Buddha, or Ghandi or anyone else. I want to be myself. I will do everything in my power to make others happy. You deserve happiness, all of you do. There is not enough faith placed in other people these days so I will live my life for others. I will give everything I have to others, I try now and I'm mostly called an idiot for it. It's my choice to sacrifice myself for others, please respect that. There's no chances for me to be a cowboy, knight, samurai, or any other hero like that. I want to be a hero though! I want to help so much! I want my body to be riddled with scars from all the sacrifices I've ever made for others then I could run my fingers over every one of them and recount all the pain I felt. I don't have scars all over my body, I have a few on soul and I run my mind over them all the time. I don't have anything to complain about, my life is good. I couldn't ask for anything better, it's my life. I haven't really talked about altruism have I? I want to stay humble, but man is it nice to brag and receive praise. I'll shut-up though, and hope you guys and gals have enough faith in this stranger to know that I'll do good for others.

I lived too much of my life blaming other people for the way my life was. Blaming everything on others doesn't solve anything. So I've decided to stop blaming and start accepting. I could sit around and hate some nameless God for what he did to the people I love, but what good would hat do, honestly? I have Asthma, I've broken my face, my parents are divorced, and girls don't find me attractive. There, I complained. I don't feel any better. I make the best of what I've been given. I do not live life buried under the sins of my forefathers, I live life digging through it and over coming. When my child comes into this world, I want them to be happy. So I don't do anything frivolous so that my children won't be born with a defect or hating the things I've done. I will be there for them always, because that will be a responsibility I have to accept. Life is not fair, and that is the only fair thing in it to me.

I love my mother and there's a choice that was made by a being higher than myself. That being thought that my mother should be given Lupis. I being merely mortal have no room to question such actions. I being merely human have no reason to blame anyone either. I am just accepting and accommodating for that is the noble thing to do. I don't know the full consequences of this choice. I just know that I want to pay my mother pack for all the love she's given me. That I want to make her proud. The doctor's have put an expiration date on my mother. I don't know what to think of that. I just know what I must do. I will double up on all of my college courses and I will spend my summers with my mother. You will be at my graduation mom. I will make you proud. I love you mom, and I love this world. I will make it better, and if I had the time I would find a way to make you live forever. People say nothing lasts forever. Mom, my love for you will resonate this Universe for as long as it's here. It may not be forever, but it's everything I have to give. If I had more, I would gladly make it yours.

Heh, I like how you tried to make it less personal in the beginning paragraph but ended up saying mostly the same things as you did in the first copy. hehe.. which I think is a good thing really... can't really write an impersonal essay and have it come from the heart at the same time. writing from the heart is always the best kind. ^_____^ and you do it well.

I'm not sure if you want this kind of feedback, but why did you 'choose' to be an agnostic?