Area Teen gives up gaming
Posted by stosh at 6/14/2005 1:27 PM
doodi writes: Lexington, NE - In a move that left adult gamers stunned, 13 year-old Timmy Smith has given up gaming. "I was such a jerk," he explained. "I didn't see how annoying and disrepectful I was. You know what they say, hind sight is 20 something."



Last week, Smith's gaming career reached it's climax, chalking up 36 kills in an online game of Halo 2's Team Training Assault. He marveled at his own skill. "I pwned you [slang for female dogs]," he said in the post game carnage report. "You're all a bunch of n00Bs and I pwned you. You guys must suck, 'cause I got 36 kills. I had, like, 50 medals too, you bunch of [homophobic reference]. Even my teammates sucked my [slang for testicles]. If it weren't for me, you [racial slur] would have lost. I even sang "Cherry Pie" the whole friggin' time, and I still pwned you."

The trash talking continued even after everyone else had left the room. That's when Smith realized he had a problem. "I couldn't believe that they didn't want to hear about how skilled I am, or hang out with me in a party. I tried to send them friend requests, but they all declined 'em. I started to get angry with the fact that they wouldn't stay and take what they deserved. Maybe it was all the team kills. That's when I started to realize that I might have a problem."

Smith's parents, Gary and Linda, also sensed that their son might have a problem. "I'd wake up in the middle of the night to go to the can, and I'd hear Timmy swearing and singing at people that he was playing with online," Mr. Smith said. "At least I think he was playing with others online. Anyway, I'd check in on him, and he'd tell me that everything was fine, and that he was just making some new friends."

"I don't know what could ever have done this to our sweet little boy," Mrs. Smith said. "Ever since he got on that Xbox Now or whatever you call it, I've been so worried about him. Not only because of what I hear coming from his mouth, but because you never know what kind of creepy old men might be out there trying to seduce our child. I mean, just look at Michael Jackson. I thought he was [homophobic reference], but into kids? That's sick!"

"What really brought things to a head, was when he started using his smack talk at the kitchen table," Mr. Smith explained. "We don't have a dining room, so our table's in the kitchen. Anyway, Timmy started saying stuff like "Pass the taters, [slang for female dog]," and "Gimme some desert, or I'll no-scope your [buttocks]." We don't really know what that means, but we're a little uncomfortable with it."

"I'm such a [annoying stupid person]," Smith said with tears swelling in his eyes. "If only I'd have known what an intolerable pile of [fecal matter] I'd become. No one on my friends list likes me any more, and I'm really not that good. I cheated my way up to a 37 before the reset, but now I'm stuck at 18. I'm the n00B, I'm the one that sucks."

Smith went on to say that he's giving up video games, and taking up sports. "I just want to be a part of something where ego's never get in the way. What a better place than a team sports environment?"

- Agonizing Gas