... Fall in love, that is.
Okay, let's just get this out of the way right now. My ideals aren't very popular, but rebellion against The Man defines my life. See? Like this ->
I certainly agree with various points my three closest friends here (well, except maybe Syn. Sic burn!) - Lantis, Ix, and Syn - have made. In general, they were quite right about that girl Nia whom I liked from last year, who first made it pretty obvious she had accepted me at first and then suddenly one day decided I was a creep who should be avoided at all costs; hey, I'm not so low on self-esteem that I can't wash my hands of that and say that, pshww, I would have been eager to prove myself a wonderful and loyal boyfriend to her, and therefore it is to her loss. In fact, Ix even referred me to this link at the time -
http://www.the-niceguy.com/articles/Me.html- and I actually agree with a few of the author's points. I guess where I differ from the other three guys on that subject is that, at the same time, I am not deterred at all. I am eager to find another potential Princess in my life (although of course, I am not going to just assume a mere first-glance attraction is definite proof of love), and just because it turns out I may have been wrong about Miss Nia, I will not relent.
I'm not even sure I'm fully prepared to take on even a girlfriend much less a wife - I realize that with love comes great responsibility as well as an overwhelming joy - but still, I do miss the feeling of at least being in love. I suppose I am hoping it just springs up naturally one day as I come to befriend more and more women I see (giving them the benefit of the doubt, anyway), that in my lavish praise of their seeming beauty and sweetness I will eventually come to feel love for one of them. My attraction to Nia may have ended in ruin (well, maybe that's a strong word; it's not like a relationship even got off the ground there), but I did at least finally get the courage to ask a girl out (my first time after twenty-eight years of living in fear!), so I can always use that as a <insert stereotypical anime-style "fight!" pose here in lieu of a specific word> to instill the confidence in me to try to get to know a girl better in the future. Besides, if I'm not willing to suffer any degree of rejection, I'll never get anywhere.
But here's a story about Sarah's Knight none of you have ever heard before; it's pretty much the reason I was led to become the Protector of Angels, although the "Sarah" in SK represents my favorite name for a girl, as it's basic meaning in Hebrew is "princess", and since I refer to the ideal life-mate I hope to find one day as "Princess", well, there you go. Besides, it's a freakin' awesomely original Internet alias and you
damn well know it. ^_-
You see, my confidence in finding a truly noble and beautiful Angel of Mercy to give my heart to one day comes from this: not just naive hope, but
proof. I believe that, right alongside the "bad" women in the world, there are many perfectly lovely lasses out there, as near perfect to being angels straight from Heaven as any human girl can be, because I once loved one such girl dearly, and though my love for her is that of admiration and friendship now, I wouldn't give up the knowledge and memories of that love for ANYTHING. In my eyes, the story came to a happy ending, and we aren't even together.
That story I wrote three years ago, about the high-school boy falling in love with a female classmate and giving her the rose? Yeah, the boy in that story was me. I was writing about a real-life memory. And while hasty and impulsive in nature, to this day I do not regret my decision to remain at the side of the girl I loved one bit, even at the expense of a personal dream to be accepted into another, bigger university out of town that I had held for many years. Who knows where my life would be right now if I had followed through on it, moving away far back east to go to college and study to become an animal doctor and leaving southern Arkansas behind forever? I wouldn't have stayed in contact with Lantis, probably, and therefore I would never have met any of you here at the Mag, and so forth I certainly would never have become Sarah's Knight, Protector of the Pretty Angels.
Let's see .... It was the first day of my senior year. A small group of students who generally remained in the same classes throughout the day, the thirty of us seniors were ushered into the sanctuary by the guy who was the new principle at the school, along with the ninety or so other students in the rest of the entire high school, for the same old proceedings of knowing what to expect in the school year to come and all that jazz that no prospective college student ever cares anything about; we're just trying to survive the last year in a series of four that we've come to hate with a passion so we can get the heck outta dodge and experience the new-found freedom of the
adult life. As small in number as we were, the time was taken for the completely new students at the school to stand up and introduce themselves. naturally at this time Lantis and I are paying no attention and spending our time quietly cracking jokes about the teachers and why both they and all of the rest of school suck immensely. But out of the corner of my eye I notice a tall, brunette-haired girl rise a few feet in front of me and shyly introduce herself as (you saw this coming) Sarah, and immediately all sarcasm fades away from my entire personality, ... 'least for the moment, just long enough to take note of how pretty this new student was.
To my memory I actually don't believe it was love at first sight. I took careful note of Sarah's friendly demeanor, gracious personality, and quiet and kind treatment of her fellow human beings over the next few months, and I suppose I must have simply - one day soon enough - found that she attracted me for these very reasons. I'm not sure when exactly it was that I had decided I might be in love, but all I can tell you is that sometime in the October of that year, two female classmates I had come to befriend and talk with quite a bit once teased me while we were alone in the classroom about it being obvious that I had a crush on another classmate named Summer, who was also bright and friendly like Sarah but in a more energetic way. I was embarrassed at this, as it wasn't even true, but the two girls persisted, laughing at me all the while, so before I could stop myself and think of a rational defense I just simply blurted out, "It's not Summer at all! I'm in love with Sarah!" ... And I sort of shocked myself when I said that. Of course Amy and Megan gushed and went through the usual expected "Awww! That's so sweet!" routine, and it's like their approval of my choice led me to actually believe that what I was saying was actually right, and I need not deny it or be ashamed of it. ... So, there I was, the next month, cautiously approaching Sarah one November morning to ask her to meet with me out in the lobby of the school once the day had ended, and it was to do something I had never done before (because there was never any reason) - confess a feeling of love for someone. I spent the rest of the day a nervous wreck, of course, but somehow I just sort of managed to take a deep breath and then blurt it all out at once to Sarah's unassumingly smiling face. I don't think she had expected it at all, but perhaps the reason she didn't to blush so much as she just seemed to smile indulgently was that, even in her innocence she could not help but think of me as nothing more than a silly child who would forget his little "crush" on her soon enough. Now that I think about it, someone who has known you for only three months or so and just up and declares "I'm in love with you!" one day probably doesn't come off as very determined and mature. She was grateful, but I really tried to cut short our meeting myself before giving her a chance to say whether she could return my feelings or not. I don't remember much about that day, really.
The last school day of December, just before leaving for the day, I remember presenting a small and very modest token of affection for Sarah and a few other female friends of mine (the first time I had given a gift to any girl at all, I think; perhaps that day was the true birth of Sarah's Knight?), in the form of an angel-shaped ornament, with the respective friend's name written in calligraphy upon it. I don't really know why, but Sarah in particular seemed very grateful for it, and completely unexpectedly rushed forward to hug me with this gushing "Oh, thank you!" This stunned me. I knew very well it was not a hug of affection at all, but still, I never even thought she would wish to make physical contact at all with the impetuous rugged-looking kid and his rebellious tendency towards just about everything in the world but the girl he had begun writing sappy love poetry about many nights at the desk in his bedroom ever since his confession a month before. I was to meet up with Lantis at his house right after school that day to finish our recording of playing through Resident Evil 3 or something, and I enter his room, still shocked and trembling, stuttering, "Sarah .... She hu - hugged me .... Holy ... cow ...." And Lantis is all, "Dude, are you in shock? Do you need help?" (Many people have experimented with sex several times by their senior year of high school, and here Will Fentress is, just having been given his first
hug by a creature of the opposing gender. Yeah, that sums him up about right.)
I don't know; I might have done the girl a disservice by being in doubt that she even took me seriously when I had first confessed to Sarah that I loved her. But nevertheless I had begun to wonder. She did not speak much, other than with a good morning if we happened to walk through the front door of the school together in the mornings, and I do not recall being able to engage in many deep conversations with her since, at least not while we were alone. But then again, that has to be only natural. Could you just continue to act as though nothing had happened at all after someone confessed their love to you, speaking with them as normally as you would your other friends? So, to make certain she would know my love was far more more than some silly crush I would be over in a month or two, and hoping it would make her happy to know I was being thoughtful of her in doing so, on February 13th of that year I bought an (admittedly) cheap rose from the store (give me a break; I was only in high school) and spent the entire night at work fretting about how I was going to get through the next day openly showing my love for Sarah by giving her the rose without making a complete stuttering and blushing fool of myself. I must have also spent at least an hour struggling to get to sleep after lying down at the end of the night, too, praying I would find the courage to do this. Of course, I had also hoped my action would somehow win her heart, too, or perhaps that she would see my seeming loyalty as a reason to give me something of a chance. And, well, the next day the story I had written and put on the forums three or four years ago had come true, except for the part about my having pretty much decided to forgo my plans for the immediate future and stick around southern Arkansas to go to school in the nearby town of Magnolia right then and there after I had given Sarah the rose and she left for the day. In reality, I had already been thinking of staying at her side. Call it puppy love; call it hopeless; call it stupidly romantic; or even misguided attraction. Whatever it was, I couldn't have been happier with my decision. Suddenly going to a big-time school, or being back with most of my family in the livelier, prettier city of Chattanooga where I had been born did not seem so important anymore. I do not expect others to really understand why I would do that, wanting to be so close to someone who clearly did not possess the same feelings I did in return, but I wasn't hopeless that she NEVER would, and besides, in my eyes I just could not imagine it was real love if I would just give up on her so soon, with this attitude of, "Oh, well, I don't have what I wish for (her returning love) just yet. Forget her." Love is about wanting to ensure the happiness and well-being of the other person, not getting what you yourself want right away, yes? Sure it pained me sometimes to see that that Sarah could not bring herself to love me (although in the four or so years to come, seeing her eyes sometimes I wondered if in her kind spirit she had often contemplated trying to force herself to), but the joy in being near the person I saw as my Princess, offering myself to her as a protector and friend she could entrust her woes and hurt to, demanding nothing in return, far outweighed the pain.
And on graduation night, there Sarah was, as pretty and bubbly as ever, and the only words I could find to say was this, ".... Sarah, in two months, we will meet again", of course hoping she would see these next words in my heart instead, "... And then I will be prepared to spend the next four years of my life following after you".
"Yes, until then, Sir Knight," she smiled.
Overall, I guess if you can picture all the times Syaoran Li kept blushing in the presence of Sakura after he had developed feelings of love for her, and she seemed completely, naively oblivious to it all the while, then that was me (so far in the story).
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Whew. That's enough for now, I think.