I'll posting here a story that I've been working for a few weeks. I posted it some days before, but I deleted it and reposted a slightly expanded and improved version. I'd like to know what you guys think of it (Or any tips to make it better)
EDIT: This is an expanded version


Chapter 1
The Perfume

The marketplace in Kreselia was as busy as usual. Merchants voices were heard everywhere, either presenting their best products or bargaining with their clients. Children ran along the cobblestone streets with errands for their parents or their Masters. Shirtless men helped bring new cargo to different stalls. Minor squabbles were handled by the Security Patrol before they grew into something worse. It was certainly one of the noisiest places in the city. The marketplace itself was located in the very heart of Kreselia, with countless wooden stalls neatly arranged in rows, and organized by products for the client’s convenience. Uniformed servants bearing their houses insignia were in every single row of stands, depending on their master’s request or necessities.

Besides these servants, women were the predominant gender in the first few rows. Wives, mothers and elder sisters were busy weighting and judging whether the fruits or vegetables they needed were fresh enough, while others pointed at the vendor which fish or chicken they would take home. The middle rows were mainly filled with nobility looking for the latest local fashion and accessories. Women giggled as their men examined and bargained for their favorite jewelry, or were trying hats of all sizes and colors. The loudest noises came from the last rows, which was full with blacksmiths, wood crafters and livestock. These last rows were the less visited too, but still profitable enough for merchants to sell their wares here. For those that frequented the marketplace, the blend of all these different smells was hard to describe, yet familiar. You couldn’t discern one aroma from another, not even nobility’s perfume from the peasants’.

Kiara Knight wore a subtle perfume. She didn’t think it would make much of a difference here. Besides, at the end of a hard day of work, she’d be usually drenched in sweat and filth; today wasn’t going to be an exception. She found what she was looking for, it seemed, but she still had to wait for the right moment to strike. It was already midday, but mercifully, the clouds were blocking part of the sun. It didn’t seem it was going to rain, though.

A small crowd was gathered near the marketplace, but their attention laid on the opposite direction. Not too far from there, by the plaza, a group of men were setting up an enormous tent. Several wagons were surrounding the outskirts of the plaza, forming a wall, and many strange animal noises were heard. A distinguished looking woman wearing a fine yellow dress and an overgrown looking purse passed just in front of Kiara and into the crowd. She was accompanied by a younger woman, in equally fine, but disturbingly pink dress. The girl was giggling and jumping while pointing at a tent that was being raised in the distance. Both were blonde.

“Oh mother, how exciting! We do have to stop there and take a look at the circus!” said the young woman in a sweet, but demanding voice. The mother was trying to keep her royal composure after her arm was nearly yanked out of her socket by her daughter. The daughter’s hazel eyes were fixed on her mother’s brown ones.

“But dear, they just began setting everything up. I’m sure they won’t be ready by today.”

“But mother! I want to go NOW!!!” Kiara grimaced, still watching both of them. Was she that annoying when she was that age? She was sure she wasn’t. She realized that her mother would have been able to get her inside the tent before they opened. Such commodities were common when you were the elder child of the most famous Forces in Kreselia. But that was ages ago.
The daughter seemed familiar. Was that Silvana Goldriver?
Then it happened: a figure ran past mother and daughter and the giant purse was gone. Kiara hated drama, but by the scream of the victim, she would have thought she had a death wound, or worse, found out she was broke.

That’s my guy, Kiara thought, and started chasing him. Kiara has been working for an organization called Force. Force members took jobs from civilians, and supported the Security Patrols when necessary, for a reward, of course. It was an exciting job, but not so glamorous, especially when people looked at you as a lowly mercenary. Kiara was still scanning her surroundings while running in the direction the thief went, until she located a blonde haired, unshaven man in a torn coat, and white pants. He had the coat’s sleeves rolled to his elbows and a huge, yellow purse. He also seemed familiar. The man seemed to have noticed Kiara, because he switched directions quickly, out of the marketplace. Kiara did likewise, pushing and shoving everybody who got on her way. She heard something crash. Great, she thought. That’s going to come out of my pocket. But she didn’t stop. For a moment, Kiara lost her target.

Kreselia was a big city; its street could feel like a maze for those that don’t know their way around. She ran past rows of stone houses until she saw somebody take a right turn at the end. The Force kept running, this time trying to avoid the children playing on the streets, and the occasional stray animal. She was sure that the Security Patrol could take care of this man, but she had strict orders of catching him before they did. Fortunately for her, the guards didn’t really pay much attention to this part of the city; they deemed it too dangerous. And then they wonder why people prefer to get help from us Forces. Kiara turned right into the alley. If she kept running in that direction, she would get to the stables. She started running on the opposite direction. She knew this part of town pretty well, and knew that if she timed it just right… she stopped.

Kiara stood in front of an old, abandoned shack, faced the palm of her hands to the ground, looked up, took a deep breath, and jumped. She landed on the roof. The world was full with people that could use the Magic of the land to do marvelous things. It was believed anybody could do it, with enough patience and perseverance. To her, it was a natural thing to do.

The man was already on the other side of the shack when he saw Kiara jumping from its roof and about to land on him, but he was quick enough to turn and run away from her. Kiara was expecting that, of course. She knew that he would think that her ability with the Magic enabled her to jump unusually high. Most people were too ignorant to understand how it really worked. In reality, she was able to control the air around her, allowing her to propel herself, or anything close enough to her in any direction. Just before she hit the ground, she propelled herself against the man, and both went flying several meters until they broke a fence and fell on a nearby pig pen. Covered in mud, the thief stood up and tried to run, but Kiara was grabbing his ankle, making him fall on his face. The man tried to kick away with his other foot. He kept at it until Kiara lost her grip. Standing up again, the man jumped out of the pig pen, with muddied purse in hand. Kiara propelled herself once again with her Magic at the man, and both rolled on the floor, knocking a few bystanders in the process. Why hasn’t the security patrol come? Kiara thought. She had made a big enough ruckus for them to notice. They would probably come soon.

The thief ended up rolling a bit farther than the Force, giving him an opportunity to stand up. “You’re good” said the thief, drawing a knife. “Now, back off, woman! I don’t want blood to be spilled here, please?” His muddied face made it unable to read his expression. Kiara was glad her face was equally dirty, for once.

“Ah, I knew I should have brought my sword.”

“What you should have done is waited for me.” said a tall figure behind the thief.

“And you could have been here in time Nex.” There are many Golems residing in Kreselia, but few look as humanlike as Nex. Anybody would mistake him by a human from afar, but up close, they would notice, his bluish skin, and his metallic hat, which was actually part of his head. He was pointing at the thief with the tip of his spear.

“Drop the knife.”

The man did as asked, and raised his hands. A short moment later, the thief’s hands were bound. The trio walked toward a gathering crowd; where Kiara left the victim. The tall newcomer tried to put his arm on the captured thief’s shoulder, but he quickly shook him away.

“Don’t touch me you filthy Golem!” yelled the man. Kiara raised her eyebrow.

“I believe I’m cleaner than you at this moment.” replied the Golem indifferently. Golems were generally accepted in society, but they were those that opposed to their existence.

“Maybe but I do have a soul, unlike you, you monster. Why don’t you-“ the thief stopped talking as soon as the Golem put the tip of his spear on his chest.

“I wonder if I can take a look at your soul if I poke your body with this.” The rest of the short trip to the victim was quiet.

The older noble-woman was still on the floor, while her daughter held her hand and shook furiously a fan-to herself, not the mother- when they arrived. Kiara dropped the muddied purse on the ground, splashing some mud on the mother and daughter, –The daughter fainted too after this- and sat on a bench. The crowd started spreading out at the sight of the female Force, the thief (both covered in mud) and the tall Golem. A few of them made some nasty comments regarding Kiara’s smell. She wanted to smack them, but Nex put a hand on her shoulder “If you smell half as good as you look, then you definitively deserved the comments, Stinky Jay” Kiara couldn’t help but laugh at that comment. It was true.

“My lady! The lady has her purse back, no real harm has been done, why don’t you let me go?” said the thief. The mud on his face made it hard to see his expression, but Kiara could tell he was making an effort not to look at Nex.. “I’m sure my father could reward you twice as much if you bring me to him safely. You see, I’m the son of-

“We know who your father is, Thero,” Interrupted Nex. “He’s the one who send us to catch you.”
The name suddenly sparkled Kiara’s memory. She remembered seeing him in one of the few social events she attended. She though he was very handsome when she met him. Back then, he seemed so much more elegant. What could bring him to where he was a now? She suddenly realized that they weren’t much different, especially covered in mud as they were.
“What? W-wait! My father sent you to catch ME?” asked the thief

“Let me take him to the Hall while you bath–I’d recommend you use some perfume when you finish too. I already picked another mission for us.”

“Oh really?” said Kiara, still amused. The mother and daughter were nowhere to be seen. Perhaps she did take her to the tent. “Will it require me to roll on yet another pigpen?”

“My Dear Lady Kiara, no mission requires you to do that. You just seem to find any pretext to do it whenever you feel like.” This time Kiara didn’t smile. Nex knew she hated to be called by her name.

“Oh shut up.” said Kiara. “I told you to call me Jay.”

“Wait.. LADY Kiara. THE Lady Kiara, the daughter of-OW”

“I’ll aim my next kick to your face if another sound comes out of your mouth.”

“Please, Jay,” Interrupted Nex. “I think he’ll be worth more if he has all his teeth. After all, it was his father who hired us.”

The noble-women were already awake- crying, but awake. She could have been leading a life like that, and the shuddered at the thought. That wouldn’t have been her life, even if her father was alive and her mother wasn’t mentally ill. After all, they were also members of Force. Sometimes, she regretted thinking this way, but she was somewhat glad that the absence of her parents allowed be known not as Lady Kiara Spade, eldest child of legends Jason Spade, the Heavy Blade and Seleria, the Dangerous Beauty. She was instead known among Force as Jay, the Dove. Some called her the Flying terror instead. Kiara was that if Nex had anything to say about this, he would add professional mud wrestler to her titles. But she didn’t care about titles at that particular moment. She was anxious to get back to the mansion. The nice, hot bath was already on her mind.

And a long lecture from the mansion staff.

EDIT: This is the expanded version

Chapter 2

A matter of decisions


“Father is going to be angry”

The crowd started to spread away shortly after the Force members walked away with the thief. Joanna Markwell examined the mess the female force and the thief caused; 2 fences were broken, and muddied footsprints marked part of their trajectory. It was certainly an interesting sight. The young, pale woman then looked with admiration at the tall, tanned girl. She was slender enough to think she was too frail to fight, and yet, she handled the thief with ease. Even covered in mud, you could notice her confidence in the way she walked and talked. Bits of green flashed here and there among all the mud she had on her hair. It is said that unusual natural hair color could be seen as an indication of their Magic proficiency. At least that is what she read. She unconsciously grabbed her long, black braided hair; it was a sharp contrast against her pale skin. Ever since she was rescued by a Force when she was 7 years old, she admired their work. She even wanted to join them, but nobody with any Magic proficiency would be able to join. At least that was what she read. She was a good archer, though. Even her father, who isn’t easily impressed, complimented her once for her shooting skills. She released the grip on her braid and looked at the Forces again. Even more unusual than the woman’s hair color, however, was the Golem that accompanied her.

These beings weren’t uncommon, especially in Kreselia, and came in different shapes and sizes. As common as they were, only a few of them could be confused so easily for a human from afar. This particular Golem seemed to be made out of metal. He wore no clothes but his body was shaped as if he was actually wearing a uniform. His lower body was shaped in the style of Ramadan pants, just like hers, while his upper body showed what seemed like a vest over a short sleeved shirt. The uniform-like parts of his body, including his hat were dark blue while the rest of him was a lighter blue. Joanna wondered how old he was. Golems could age, but slower than humans, and their personality reflected mainly their apparent age and not their actual age. At least that is what she read. The Golem parted ways, along with the thief. The woman should probably find a place to clean herself.

Joanna turned back to look at Mrs. Goldriver and her daughter Silvana. She couldn’t find a sliver of pity for the foolish women. They embodied every negative stereotype of Kreselia’s nobility. Mrs. Goldriver, in particular, thought herself better than most since her husband was from Kingland. Joanna herself wasn’t a noble-woman like them, but being the daughter of a Merchant allowed her to take a close look at them. That was probably one of the few things she learned by experience and observation instead of reading it from a book. The Goldrivers liked to flaunt their status, but they didn’t really have the money to back it up. They owe must of what they have. She wouldn’t be surprised if Mrs. Goldriver was planning on returning their dresses with some pitiful excuse. She was also sure that she hasn’t fully paid it yet either.

Next, she looked at her own clothes. She was one of the lucky people to be pushed aside by the female Force, and had a scraped knee as a result. Her baggy pants were torn of, from the fall. Women in Kreselia didn’t really liked wearing pants, that’s why she preferred the Ramadan style; her hometown’s style. Unfortunately, travelling these days to Ramad wasn’t easy; she would have to find a way to slip there, and maybe visit her mother too. Right now, what really bothered her were the porcelain vase’s pieces that were scattered all around her. Joanna was walking out of the market and barely dodged the running thief when his pursuer bumped into her and knocked her to the ground. She was supposed to bring that vase to her father.

“Father is going to be really angry at me.”

Joanna’s father was a wealthy merchant in Greenville- one of the cities affiliated to Kreselia, and he bought and sold antiques, silk and jewelry. Mr. Markwell saw this vase a couple of weeks ago, and bargained an extremely good deal to get it. He would, of course, sell it for thrice the amount he paid for at the very least.

I always get what I want, honey, don’t forget it. He said whenever she asked how he managed to get such incredible deals.

Not always, she thought. You never got the boy you wanted. She was the youngest child of her father, but the only child of her mother. You couldn’t get rid of me either. She thought half smiling. The merchant’s daughter met her father the day she was rescued from the kidnapping; he was the one who hired the Force. After that, the merchant took her in. Joanna wished she never met him, though. She missed her mother. One decision changed her whole life.

For a moment, she considered what her next big decision would be. Greenville lay west of Kreselia, and her father waited there The Force Headquarters laid east. She always wanted to see if she could become a Force Cadet. If she got in, the chain that bound her to her father would be broken; she would be able to travel the world. Joanna’s father wouldn’t have to deal with what he sees as a nuisance either; both would win. She grabbed a handful of her own hair again. Jet black. None of the greatest Force members had such an ordinary hair color. The only record of a black haired Force was of Alphonse, the Fool, or at least that is what she read. Would her skills with a longbow be enough to become a Cadet, or her lack of Magic would make of her dream…a mere dream? She could find out by walking east. That was the direction the green haired force and the blue Golem went. Maybe she would meet them. She could possibly meet her rescuer, after 12 long years. Or perhaps she’ll be able to visit her mother too. 12 years ago, she thought she made the best decision of her life; a decision she has been regretting for years. She risked it all, and she wasn’t sure she was risking leaving everything behind again. Joanna started walking west.


*********
Blood.
A trail of blood.

They are going to find me! He knew that making a living as Force, would be dangerous. His family protested against the idea, but he had made his decision. It wasn’t simply what he wanted; it was the right thing to do.

“Please Xio, reconsider. You can always work at the bakery. Wilhem's father can get you a job there! You don’t need to worry yourself taking such a dangerous job, Xio. You can live a peaceful life; meet a lovely young woman… I want grandchildren you know?” pleaded his mother the day he decided to enroll. He had been helping her clean up an unused bookshelf, and both their faces were covered in dust when he told her of his decision.

“Ma, I can’t live as a baker! For once, I want to you to stop worrying! With the money I make as a Force, YOU won’t have to work! I know Pa will refuse to stop working. That’s just the way he is, but you won’t have to do anything anymore.” He brushed his hair away from his face, blackening it in the process.

“I happen to enjoy what I do. What about that girl that works across the bakery? She’s really pretty and-

“Ma, I’m too young to think of love.”

“You are eighteen! That was your father age when we married!” snapped his mother, putting a broom aside.

“So? Besides, I might meet a lovely young woman on the Force.”

“I just don’t want you to get killed.” said his mother, tears leaving a clean trail down her face. Xio couldn’t help but roll his eyes back. He put a comforting hand on her shoulder, and then hugged her. Despite how much she aggravated him, she still worried about her emotional well being.

“Ma, trust me, I will be fine. What can possibly kill me? You said that those on the side of Pa’s family are too stubborn.” The worried mother wiped her tears away, smearing her face even further.

“I want you back in a piece, you hear me?”

“Of course ma, I told you I don’t plan on dying.” He took a clean piece of cloth. “Clean your face ma, you look like a mess.”


He wished he had listened to his mother, for once. He had some healing abilities with his magic, but he couldn’t stop the bleeding from the cut on the right side of his abdomen. He was surprised he could even be standing up and moving so much. Xio never told his mother, but the reason he joined Force was because he was already in love. And it was because of this love that he was running wounded and half naked in the middle of the forest. He was not sure of the direction he was heading, and his body felt number by the minute. He wouldn’t be surprised if he had cut himself while running away barefoot

“I’m sorry Amanda” he thought “I didn’t want to…” Xio had hurt her in the commotion, not only physically, but emotionally too, and he knew her father would still be in hot pursuit. His vision was getting blurrier, and his breathing was getting heavier. Xio was camping near Koralia, in the Leafin Forest when he had to make a run for it. He only stopped for a moment to try and bandage the wound in his abdomen with strips of his own tunic, and ran north, as hard as his wound would let him. He never felt so afraid for his life, but was it really fear of dying that kept him running, or was it of not seeing the love of his life again? The young man promised his mother he would come back in one piece too. He had failed them both. His mind jumped back to that night, a woman lying on the ground, bleeding, a young man kneeling beside her, with a regretful look on his eyes. “I’m sorry Amanda” he whispered again. The trees were already thinning out; he was almost out of the forest. “Just a bit more…” he could make out the silhouette of somebody on the other side and he reached for it. But he didn’t have more strength to keep going. His body was failing, and his hopes have been shattered long ago.

The silhouette was of a large man, with a crossbow. They found me! The man seemed as startled as him. He wasn’t expecting him. Before the man, could raise his crossbow, the Force Cadet throw a fireball at the ground below the man's feet. The small explosion send the man flying away, but Xio had used to much magic already and everything went blurrier. He started tumbling in the direction of where the man was, with a dagger in hand, but his vision failed him completely. A sudden choir of voices startled him. He couldn’t see where they were coming from. In an act of desperation, he started to swing the dagger. “Stay away! It was an accident!”
The voices were indistinct, but he could make out the voice of a woman.

“Stop it! Don’t you see he’s wounded!?” The wounded man, still pressing his abdomen with one hand dropped the dagger.

“Amanda? I’m so sorry! Please forgive me!” He started walking in the direction he thought the voice came from. “Where is he? Is he ok?” he fell on his knees, panting. “I’m sorry.” Xio was barely aware that he was crying.

“He’s ok.” The female voice said. “He’s not hurt.” He could hear crossbows getting ready all around him. “What’s your name?”

At this, he quickly knew she wasn’t talking to Amanda, but exhaustion took over his consciousness. He felt face first on the ground and heard nothing else.

Blast it guar, just as soon as i get through my thoughts on chapter 1, here is chapter 2 all up in my face.

...and you've converted to Vincent Valentinism! this town ain't big enough for the both of us! =p



anyway, grab the attached file. by no means is it a complete or thorough set of comments, but it might help you. i turned it into a pdf since the attachments system doesn't support .docx. Perhaps that's something for RPGMMag v6... or whichever version it is that comes next.

I'll try and look at chapter 2 in a bit. When I get another break from work related stuff. Also when my brain has started working again. ^_^

*shakefist*

I've always been a Vinnie fan! My first avvie was something similar, but I changed it to avoid confusion with you.

And wow, I truly appreciate what you did, with the comments and corrections. These are, as you already noticed, rough versions, and I do hope to expand them a lot more as I get more comfortable with it.

that's a great attitude =D i think this project has a lot of promise and i'm glad you're not all like 'NO THIS IS THE FINISHED VERSION RAWR.'

i'll do my best to keep commenting as you continue to write. if nothing else it helps me as well; i did some TEFL (teaching english as a foreign language) training recently and it's good to put at least some of it into practice. plus i'm sort of teaching english atm anyway.



...but anyway, we have to have a duel to the death in Vincent Valentine Cosplay. Sorry, man. Them's the Regulations!

(tbh i might change my avatar soon anyway. get a Tatami Galaxy one like Lone. SO GOOD! Maybe Jōgasaki?)

Ok, I just went through each comment...
I realized most of my errors were products of rushing as I typed, erased, moved and added stuff. (Not to say that I didn't learn anything new! )

I have actually written about 5 1/2 chapters of similar length in total, and to be honest, I'm not o comfortable in how short they are. I guess that I'll take my time to be as descriptive as possible, while paying close attention to the grammar and spelling.
(I might change my Vinnie too... still not sure who can replace him, tho)

I just edited the two chapters with the expanded version.