I oftentimes hear people say that the reason they did not tell their boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, etc. that they cheated on them is because their significant other would not want to know. I have even had people tell me that if they were cheated on they would rather not know. Of course none of this is considered a reason to cheat, but rather, upon founding oneself to have cheated (which we understand was the wrong thing to do) is it the right thing to tell the significant other about it?

I am also interested in would you want to know regardless of whether or not the significant other intends on telling you in the first place. In other words let's say your other cheats and chooses not to tell you (either because they think it is what you would want or because they don't want to own up to it selfishly) would you still want to know from a friend, family member, maybe even the person who cheated with them themselves just so you would know the actual truth or would you rather preserve your idea of the truth?

Lastly, would anyone who was cheated on who does want to hear the truth rather have it told to them by someone else other than the person who cheated on them. In other words would it hurt less if their friend or family member told you or your friend or family member, etc. than your actual significant other?

EDIT:

My answers:

I would rather know because I value the actual relationship not the idealized one.

I would want to find out from anywhere if my significant other doesn't tell me because either they mistakenly think I wouldn't want to know or they are concealing it for their own selfish interest.

I would rather hear it from my significant other directly so that I can look them in the eyes ask them to plead their case, require them to realize their behavior and possibly to leave them at that moment.

My answer is pretty much the same. But I kind of would like to elaborate on it just a bit. Let's say that you DID find out... what then? I know people try to work things out and that, but honestly, that's not something I'd be willing to do.

My love and my trust are not given, they are earned. And if someone takes that love and trust and casts it aside, they have no reason to be in my life anymore. I'd never be able to trust that person again anyways. I can't think of anything worse aside from murder, honestly. I give credit to those who try to work things out afterwards, but ulitmately they are just setting themsleves up for either things falling appart later... or just never really being happy for the rest of their lives. Very rarely do instances like cheating get overlooked and passed on as if it never happened... and rightfully so.

Yes I would want to know. Cheatin is bad mkay?

I'd rather not know, so long as we're still happy around each other. If we start growing distant, I'd want to find out what's going on. Or at the very least, see what I can do to make the relationship better.

I have never been faithful enough to even find it hypothetically plausible to take offense at infidelity against me.
I'd like to know, probably, but I wouldn't much mind.

I'd know if they were.

I'm not going to be a pansy like Mario Winans:

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If I'm cheated on, I want to know asap. It's not rocket science.

If I was cheated on, I'd want them to tell me from their mouth. To me that shows you have enough courage to man up and tell me directly what you did. Worst possible scenario is someone else telling me about this. So, I would prefer to know if I was cheated on.

If you cheat on me, I want to know and I want to know from you. At least then you have some respect in my eyes.

truth is cardinal to making decisions. if im cheated on then i must know, to refuse the truth is akin to believing in a lie. if interest in my has waned then its time to split up and move our separate ways. once a cheater, always a cheater. there can be no trust in a relationship that has lost its founding, so why work something out that has already found its resolution?

cheating is the death of any relationship, it signals that the connection between both parties no longer exists. so yes, i must know.

I appreciate all the comments thus far and I do agree with most, but let me ask you all this because this is something that I (surprisingly?) cannot seem to argue against.

What is really wrong with cheating if the one being cheated on never suspects it, asks about it or finds out about it so therefore still trusts the person who cheated and is still happy with them and the person who cheated is happier because he or she is are getting his or her needs met from multiple sources and they (the person cheating) are themselves OK with the fact that they are cheating. In other words if both people are happy without realizing the truth what is really wrong with it? It doesn't seem like in actuality or in pragmatic or effective reality there is any real issue. The only issues seem to come from behavior inconsistent with purely theoretical dogma (religion, idealism, etc.) that requires cheating to be inherently wrong. Anyone?

That depends, really.
If the one in the dark would be okay with the activities of the other, then sure.

Otherwise, that's similar to saying an encamped army is better off not knowing the enemy is near and approaching.
If there is a pre-existing agreement of fidelity, then it is no longer a matter of 'dogma', but instead a matter of trust, and a trampling of that trust.
Trust is inherent vulnerability, to bestow it is to lower your weapon with no guarantee of a reciprocal return.

Your scenario, then, is a lie, and nothing more.
And when the truth is uncovered, it will taint every shred of happiness in those lives, along with every happy memory they shared under the shield of the lie.

If the truth is never uncovered, and the cheating party is dedicated to his partner, yet without regret for their infidelities?
First off, you're posing a damn big hypothetical.
Second off, assuming that Every Single qualifying statement you put on the scenario is both possible and has occurred, then sure - everyone's happy.
That's the point of it all, right?
Let's just be Happy.

Pfft.

Debating if cheating is wrong is the same as arguing if stealing is wrong. If you got away with it and no one ever notices, is it wrong?

Yes...

Granted stealing has nothing to do with the whole trust issue, but still... I feel bad for someone who'd rather live in ignorance. And I feel bad for the person who'd can't keep their legs closed while with someone.

@N.L.Y.
Let's say that I am using the specific case where the truth is never uncovered. Yes, you could say that the truth might be uncovered and that is a potential threat to the relationship. That is not what I'm talking about. Let's say that the one cheated on NEVER finds out.

Well I guess I am getting at the question is truth somehow greater than happiness? As I see it the only reason to care about truth ultimately, especially when otherwise it is inconsequential, is because it makes people happy (i.e. it gives them a purpose or a sense of security).

What is the argument against the following claim:

It does not matter if you trample on someone else's trust if you are OK with it and the other person never finds out?

Because now the negativity of the breaking of the trust only exists in the form of providing a theoretical inconsistency, incurring no actual effect.

@Lantis
It is not the same as stealing. Yes both get away with it but the one stolen from can feel the actual loss (missing item) whereas the one cheated on cannot (no change or even more attention, etc. from cheater).

So I again submit that the only claim to the "wrong"ness of it is that it is inconsistent with a theoretical position and nothing more.

EDIT: I just caught the part where you said no one notices. So why is it STILL wrong if no one notices? Can you explain that to me?

I shouldn't have too honestly... If you can't figure that out yourself, nothing I say will make you feel any differnt. So enjoy your mulitple sex partners and theft and whatever else most people find wrong via common sense.

ANARCHY FTW!

Do not cheat. It's that simple.

However, in accord with Bo's post:

If the person cheated on never finds out, then that's one thing. However, that person who carried on the deed will have to live with it forever. A wall pretty much would build up in your mind and you could never exactly enjoy everything with the other person like you should.

Of course, if you're an expert in lying to yourself, then you could do it and be happy.

@Lantis
Do you ever steal any intellectual property? Do you ever post any pics without getting permission via the owners? How about downloading any mp3 music illegally. In other words, theft is apparently not a black or white common sense issue. Theft is often times a function of what people feel they are entitled to steal.

Neither is multiple sex partners. I would argue that if anything having multiple sex partners, especially for males, is common sense. It may very well be traditional training that causes one to think that monogomy is the common sense natural thing. As a matter of fact, that is really why there is cheating because people are setting a bar unnaturally high and calling it cheating when someone falls short.

That doesn't forgive the fact that going against an agreed upon contract (like consenting to monogamy) is considered a negative thing to do by many naturally, but many people who cheat don't really know who they are when they agree to be monogamous. It is not an excuse of the behavior but it is an explanation for it.

I don't feel that you should have to explain why stealing is wrong but I am saying that if you cannot, or at least if no one can explain it, then the wrongness doesn't seem to stem from a rational or logic perspective but moreso is from an appeal to some emotion. I myself also feel that stealing is wrong, but I don't think I can rationally argue that it is wrong when no one ever finds out about it. That is what I am talking about. And if it is common sense that stealing is really that wrong, why does it exist so commonly?

@Ixzion
You could say the same thing (about the wall) to anyone who is not completely honest in a relationship about anything (finances, friends, fantasies, opinions, beliefs, prefererences, etc, etc.) So in a relationship between two people who are not completely honest with each other, there always is some wall, they never will be completely sharing, and the relationship will always be compromised to whatever it comfortably actually is. That is what relationships actually are, isn't it?

Of course I would like to know

And stealing is wrong. No matter how common it is, it is wrong. "Everybody does it" is not a good enough reason to do so. Have any of you ever heard "If everybody jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?" from your parents?

I know that this sounds ridiculous to many of you but no one has ever explained why it IS wrong rather than why we don't want it to occur. They are two different things. In other words, to say that stealing IS wrong is an assumption or a reinforcement of a preferred idea. It assumes a universal moral value that is out there but I don't see it anywhere but in the minds of those who believe it.

EDIT: Whereas if we understand our human nature, our disposition toward selfishness or COMPROMISED social behavior (i.e. where we steal from or treat disrespectfully people we don't care about while not stealing form or disrespecting those who we value) than it becomes less clear that it IS wrong. It is a form of communication not much different than ridicule or disrespect that so many others who deplore stealing would otherwise condone.

In other words, if you make fun of someone because they are fat and they hear it, you are actually doing something that is more wrong than stealing from someone who never misses it, because you are inflicting damage that is actually felt. Do you guys really disagree? Are you that black or white about theft? Help me understand that logic.

Yes, I'm that black and white.
I also think that treating a person that way is wrong. It doesn't really matter which one is less wrong than the other.
I do believe that our perception of what is right and wrong reflects our moral values, and I don't bellieve in those values simply because it's the preferred idea.
I just don't see how taking something that isn't yours just because "nobody will miss it" can be right.
I also believe that it's against the law for a reason. Laws are meant to keep order in a society. If everyone did whatever they felt like doing, the would be chaos. Yes, we are a naturally selfish bunch, but we can and should control ourselves. There are those that choose not to do so, and that's where law is supposed to come in.

EDIT: But the law and order bit doesn't answer why is it wrong. I'm aware of that.

if i had a significant other.. and they were getting off with someone else. f*ck yeah i'd want to know.. i'd want f*cking pictures! but then it wouldn't be cheating, the whole thing of cheating is the lying innit. but i still wouldn't mind at all.

but i'm pretty sure this is an exact replica of a topic that you (bo) posted ages ago as well... reckon maybe that one was in that 'debate' forum what got deleted and it's not there anymore. but srsly i remember this one.