Sometimes I am Sarah's Knight, sometimes I fail at being him ....

When the rest of the world looks at Westboro or Dan Corner or Mark Driskoll the turn-your-spouse-to-Christ-by-orally-servicing-him pastor or whatever random crazy standing on the side of the highway wearing a funny hat and holding up a sign saying "Jesus Caused 9/11. Repent!", I really wish they could also see the true side of Christianity (I loathe to use the term religion anymore), in the form of one of the sweetest old ladies you'll ever meet who resides at my home church back in Magnolia, AR, named Louise.

Being just a block away from the college, there were many SAU students back then who were there when I first joined, and remained so for the next five years or so, but then, some alleged SAU-related scandal went down, I think, and the younger church members were implicated by the school-going public, causing them to depart and not be associated with my church anymore, leaving almost no one but the elderly behind, and a few very small children. A shame, but, I wonder if that's one reason all the elderly seems to look up to me so much; they're happy that at least one young un' is still around.

Louise in particular praises me for my once-esteemed-but-fallen-back-to-novice talent with the viola, and last night even as I was packing up Cecily (you remember her as my dear female partner in music, right? ^_^ ) and chatting with the three little daughters of the music minister who seem childishly fascinated by the fact that I can play a stringed instrument at all, I hear Louise and many others commenting in the background about me as a sweet and polite young man and all that. I must say, no one ever seemed to be lacking in edification around there, did they? And a beautiful (for her age) lady in her 90's named Corrin praises me saying my mother must have raised me right if I show so much chivalry as to hold open the door for women such as herself. You KNOW Corrin would be out picking up the guys on the shuffleboard court on a cruise ship if she were still able to walk so well. ^_- But that's what we SHOULD be here for, trying to encourage the world rather than tearing it down and judging it. A shame so few believers seem to see it that way. I suppose a natural human tendecy, in all but the most pious of Mother Theresas, is to snark at another human being every now and then without thinking it through; I secretly make fun of bad music artists and scriptwriters who come up with stories like Bioshock Infinite, but, come on, I know there's a boundary between saying their work is stupid on a forum they'll never visit in order to vent or hopefully get an amused smirk out of someone who reads it, and actually saying something truly hateful to or about them like "I hope your neck snaps slowly when you hang yourself and you spend eternity in hell being raped by demons' pitchforks". Because that's just messed up. I wouldn't even say something like that about Hitler. (While we're on that subject, I'd like to go on record saying that I don't believe the Bible teaches that eternal torment in a dark place called hell exists. Not anymore, anyway, and I don't see how I could have missed it before. If people weren't so wrapped up in proclaiming fiery justice to all the heathen, they'd see that hell as a place of eternal suffering is almost entirely made up without scriptural or logical proof, too.)

But my particular experience last night in this setting raises two things for my thoughts to chew on a while. If everyone could see these kinds of people who simply try their best and even now at last after the three years or so of youthful silence in the church are wanting to take measures to invite kids from SAU back to the church and make them feel as welcome and precious as they did back in my day, and don't have - or want - a pastor who spends his sermons beating the podium telling everyone they're going to hell if they don't get certain things right in their life, then the world would be better off. And people would be more open to embracing a deity that, contrary to popular belief because there are so many morons out there who get off on preaching hate and judgment instead, genuinely cares for them. But two, I keep looking away in embarrassment and humility because I wonder if these sweet old people could retain their glowing assessment of me so easily if they knew the dark things I was capable of, even to a point in time just hours before I enter that sanctuary to take up Cecily and lead them in my own little way in the songs to be sung that evening (and no, please be assured that in my circle, we sing no songs involving the lyrics "God hates you"). Lantis and I get to talking some obscenities in our hangouts because guys are prone to that, and I don't mean to take up too much guilt on that, because it's a well-known and (I now believe) God-given fact that men adore breasts, and I can't pretend to be a complete, absolute 100% prude all the time. It's just, well, would women both young and elderly still be willing to see me as that same music-bearing gentleman in the informal shirt-tail-visible wear who approvingly pats the heads of little girls and assists the women past their prime on their walking canes out to their cars after the sermon, if they knew that I had yelled "will you shut up the ---- already, you annoying bastard?!" at the television screen earlier that day as Lantis and I were playing dot.HACK, or that I had allowed my eyes to linger curiously on the graceful form of the cute red-head in my martial arts class earlier that week?

My, how easy it is to get caught in that spiral of questioning one's true motives and resilience at clinging to the ideals he vocalizes so adamantly aloud. But then, like it or not, we all betray ourselves at some point or another, and wonder how to make up for it, and even then, we can't be consumed by the guilt.

But me? I think God wants us to still be ourselves while serving Him, a unique individual characterized by something truly special that no one else in all the world has ever been. And for me, it's being the Protector of Angels. It pleases me to build up the cute and lovable women of the world, to be what the main character in Gran Torino would describe me as the twenty-nine year-old overeducated virgin who holds the hands of pretty young girls (slightly off from his actual line in the movie). I cringe a little when I find an ungentlemanly thing come out of my mouth in silence as I glance at the cute waitress's retreating backside after she left my table, or I threaten to kick a guy on the street in the balls if he doesn't stop irritating me, but I shrug it off and determine to stay true to the kid I want to be. That kid is named Will, Sarah's Knight, which almost too coincidently means "resolute protector". "Bad" women can potentially be turned into angels at a bit of uplifting, and girls who are already angels to me I am pleased to raise further up for many reasons both personal and idealistic, and because I believe it is important that there are a few guys in the world to do just that. The world needs charitable people who dedicate themselves to feeding and providing shelter for children, the world needs doctors, the world needs comedians who make others laugh and forget their very real problems for just a while, and I think the world needs me too in a very small way. In spite of my constant failings, I wish to humbly proclaim that I like being me. Maybe God intended for me to be this way, and yes maybe I am not perfect at it. Maybe still many un-Sk-like dark spots still exist in my heart, but I don't have to let them characterize me. I can fret about seeming a different person in front of the naive unassuming elderly at my church than I did in front of Lantis earlier that same day when we were indulging in typical guy talk, or than I did a few days ago when I forgot myself long enough to drool over a beautiful girl's slowly gyrating backside on the shadier side of Youtube, ... or I can get up and keep fighting for what I believe to be right in my heart, rather than indulging in self-pity and self-condemnation.


I'm not sure if this was an affirmation that good people are out there in the world, or a Christian apologetic when I see so many religious fanatics now giving us a bad name, or a nugget of wisdom from me for the day about getting back up no matter how oten you feel you've failed and moving forward in life. Um ....

Anyway, no need to leave this at just my inner musings, sometimes.



What about you? Do you ever sometimes feel, you know, hypocritical sometimes in the things you've said or done? But end up taking on more guilt than necessary and moping about it for a while instead of going on living and trying again? What kind of person do you dedicate yourself to living life as?

For many years, I used to feel very hypocritical while I was at church. Not because I didn't believe in God, since I did, and I was sure there was a purpose for me to be there at that moment. I felt hypocritical because I couldn't be myself. When I did something, I felt I was doing it to please people in that church instead of pleasing God.
But that's history now, and I want to focus in the present:
I'm currently trying to find my way in a new stage full of responsibilities (since I'm the new science teacher at my school) and I don't want only to teach; I want to actually be able to help these kids and offer them my counsel when needed. Then there's the fact that I must be their role model if I want them to behave certain way. How can I tell them to not yell if I yell back at them, for example.
I have had conversation with students where I tell them that they must remember teachers are people too, and they must understand that, only to hear "I would like that you try to understand me too." So now I am still watching carefully what I do, but for totally different reasons.

So yeah. that's me so far.

... Or Jim Standridge. List complete.