Have any good jokes you would like to share?

Heres one.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)


(its a real treat)



(a masterpiece)


(wait for it)





The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

lol

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

how do you make a dead baby float?

[spoiler]two scoops of ice cream on scoop of baby[/spoiler]

=D

Um, I don't get it

^A "float" is also known as an "ice cream soda" Ever have A&W Root beer with ice cream? Thats a "float"

EDIT: Staffy's post shows that I picked the wrong spelling of Rout and Root.

Think root beer float.



oh, and Your mom.




-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman gets on a plane to Miami and sits down in first class. The stewardess comes by to check her ticket and notices that the ticket is for coach seats.
"Excuse me miss," Chimes the stewardess, "but your tickets are for coach. You can't sit here. I must ask you to move."
To which the woman replies: "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to Miami."
"But miss, these tickets are for coach seats. Please, I MUST ask you to move!"
To which the woman replies yet again: "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to Miami."

The stewardess asks the woman several more times to move, and each time the woman, with an ever increasing tone of annoyance replies: "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to Miami."

Finally, the plane is about to taxi and the stewardess has run out of patience, so she calls the Captain in.

"Captain," The stewardess explains "I have asked this woman to move from this seat to the seat on her tickets several times now and she won't listen to me, please see what you can do."

"I'll see what I can do then." He replies.

So he goes over to the woman and asks her to leave the seat she in and go back to coach.
Predictably, the woman replies the same way: "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to Miami."

The Captain stands back up from the seat and rubbing his chin he thinks for a bit. Then he gently leans down and says some thing quietly to the woman. Suddenly she gets a shocked look on her face and, obviously embarrassed, grabs her carry-on's and scurries back to coach.

"Captain!!" Exclaims the amazed stewardess, "What ever did you say to get that stubborn woman to leave her seat?"

"Oh, simple!" Smiled the Captain, "I just told her that First Class doesn't go to Miami!"

ZOMG, dead baby jokes...

*is going to burn for these*

What more disturbing than 5 babies in a dumpster?

[spoiler]One baby in 5 dumpsters.[/spoiler]

^ wrong.. So wrong..

*The Poopie List*
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

Or

[spoiler]Take your foot off of its head. [/spoiler]

Heh. Well.
I remember being bothered by the phrase 'when in Rome' as a child.
It was beyond me why I should have to do anything 'in Rome', much less why people elsewhere in the world had a smidge of reason to spout in their favor.
I then read several items on the history of the Roman Empire, one being a lengthy account of their millitant mannerisms.
It occured to me that you conform to Rome 'when in Rome' because they were a brutal, sadistic, self-indulgent people who could only stomach being tolerant when it was too great a bother to be otherwise.

With this in mind - When In The Midwest

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when East Coasters and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Michigan, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, they are hereby advised to adopt a certain set of informational guidelines that one might note if you ever spend enough time around the locals:

1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your car.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.

5. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it.
You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

8. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

9. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends? We're real impressed... We have a quarter-million dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

10. Let's get this straight - We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

11. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist... Isn't that cute...

12. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

13. *

14. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

15. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

16. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go two ways--Interstates 29, 35, & 69 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.


17. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot, his name is "Sir". No matter how old he is.

18. The bill on your hat should turn down at the edges to shed the rain and be centered over your nose to keep the sunlight out of your eyes. Any other location/orientation makes you look like an idiot.


19. We also speak ENGLISH here, speak it or go away.

20. If you slur a soldier fallen you will be brutalized and made to consume dog shite. **

21. Sleeping with your boss's daughter does mean you will have something weighty and double-barreled pulled on you. ***

* We rarely acknowledge this number and we don't like black cats - if salt is tossed over someone's shoulder from his booth to yours, just thank him for the flavoring and move on.

**And no. None of these are facetious lies. Especially this one, I'm afraid, as I've seen it occur.
Yes, they appear friendly. The scathing tone throughout is not accidental, though.

***"And no. None of these are facetious lies."

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around
the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in
long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of
them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You
have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into
town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and
no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did
as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so
slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by h er boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he
was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire,
he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,









[spoiler]If you ever wear my clothes into town again,
you're fired !!![/spoiler]

BIRTHDAY REMEMBRANCE

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31. Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

[Break]

The Purina Diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow, and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog...

Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby, so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story, and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet, and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me, and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said [spoiler]no -- I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.[/spoiler]
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

True story. FUNNY!

> The best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
>
> SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
>
> Please scroll down













































> Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society...

This is a true story.

@KK- That's awesome! Nice publicity stunt for sure.


I guess I have to post a joke now too...

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
[spoiler]"Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"[/spoiler]

Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?
[spoiler]It finally dawned on her! Get it! DAWNED![/spoiler]

And while it isn't a joke, if any of you own Devil Dice for the PS1, pop it into your computer and look at the names of the music tracks. Unless you are offended by some jerk who hates his job[spoiler] and Koreans...[/spoiler]

heh, this isn't really a joke but it's kind of funny ^^

someone whispered my brother this sentence:
Cheap WOW Gold 5% Free Gold Fast Delivery Veteran Seller WWW.EING.COM

>>

<<

.... how can something be 5% free?

XD I... I don't get it. I know the fact that nothing can be 5%
free. But I'm not getting the funny part.. Is it something they messed up on?

well.. i thought it was funny that they were advertising as 5% free... because something can't be 5% free? like... lawl. XD

but maybe you don't find that funny *shrug*

i found this funny. *shrug* so i stole it.



i mean... why on earth does this need a sign? or a contact phone number? seriously? what the HELL? 'hello? yeah... i'm having trouble with this door; i'm depressing the handle, but my usual method isn't working!'

... i kinda imagined people wandering around the computer room, unable to use the door because i took their sign. XD

i suppose it's not a joke, though. (nor do i really want to go into the first jokes that come to mind; the Princess Diana jokes our scandanavian mage kept making in Razorfen Downs last night. i was actually agroing before the end of the mb's just to shut him up. *shrug*)

... this made me laugh *shrug*

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.

One said, It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.

Another said, No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.

The last said, Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?

Ok yeah. I see that its funny that someone is ADVERTISING like that.

The whole "whisper gold" and stuff threw me off there a bit. I thought there was more to it that I was not getting.

I recently bought a box of Animal Crackers, it said "Don't eat if seal is broken." I opened the box and sure enough.