Today's review: Super Mario Bros. for the NES

It all started when I bought the latest EGM magazine. It was the top 200 best games ever of all time period no questions asked regardless of the time they were released list. Obviously, Halo 2 or Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas won. I mean, they are the best games ever, shortly after Halo and Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. I see them on TV all the time, even on the news! So I got my mom to buy them for me. Imagine my shock when I skipped to the number one game and see this:


WHAT IS THIS GAME?

I just- But how- It- ARGH. WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? I've never even HEARD of this game! Man! This game looks like its super ancient! I just had to find out what the fuss was about. I looked on Google and found out that the game was for something called the Nintendo Entertainment System. Nintendo? That system is for BABIES. I knew I heard of it from somewhere! My friends at school totally bash Nintendo all the time. They'll spend all day at GameFAQs posting about how stupid Nintendo games are. I never looked into it. But I guess I'm going to have to brave this unexplored world and bring you the scoop! I asked around school, seeing if anyone had one of these video game systems (man, everyone thought I said XBOX. HAHA) and this Mario game. I found one of my fellow freshmen's dad had one. I went over to his house at night and ...borrowed it. And the TV. And his PS2. But enough about that. I've got to find out what this game is about and how it beat out the most awesomest game ever played.


BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER.

I'm not going to bother you with all of the problems I had with the console. ONLY FOUR BUTTONS? HUH? And it took forever to get the cartridge thing to work. When I started the game, it WAS THE MOST UGLIEST THING I EVER SAW. I could count how many colors are on screen! And the ground was made up of ugly broken brick squares. Doesn't grass exist in this game? And what's with the little blob of a man I control? I didn't get an introduction, a tutorial, or even a cutscene! I had NO IDEA what to do. The A button made me jump, and I couldn't figure out what the second button did. I kept pressing it, but nothing happened. This console even stole Sony's D-pad. Man, what's up with that? I recognized start and select, FROM THE PLAYSTATION. I don't know what select did, but start obviously paused the game. It's not like you have any in-game stats or anything, though, so don't get too excited. If I didn't know better, I would have thought that the game froze. Before I leave the main title screen (UGLY) let me just break this to you: THERE IS NO ONLINE MULTIPLAYER! I couldn't even find an ethernet port on the NES! HUH? Man, Nintendo is BEHIND. My friends were right, only with crappy spelling. No custom soundtracks (heck, this game has only, like, 3 or 4 songs I think. They just keep REPEATING.), no control configurations, no emblems, no customization, no cheat inputs, no chapter select, no save/load game, no ANYTHING. Just one player and two player. But don't let the game fool you! Two player is just like one player, only the second guy has a different colored ugly blob and plays the level you just did. No deathmatching, co-op, or ANYTHING. Man...and I feel sorry for player two, too. You always gotta wait for Player one. Ugh. But let's get this party, however dull, started...

As soon as I started, I saw a timer ticking away super fast in the corner. A SELF-DESTRUCT COUNTDOWN ALREADY? Man, they don't give you time to check out ANYTHING. And I don't get the level structure...World 1-1? Huh? I went right a little more and came across this little walking turd.


Is it an alien?

If there's anything I've learned from other games, its that anything different from you is evil. Especially when its an entirely different life form. Problem was...I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO KILL IT. I KNOW you had to kill it...ALL games have you kill things. But how do I? Your little guy doesn't have any weapons...he can't even PUNCH. And it isn't like the little turd wants to hurt you. All it does is walk to the left. That's some impressive AI. It doesn't take cover, yell, or even throw a grenade at you; it just...walks. But I didn't know how to fight it! Maybe it would be like God of War and when I got close, a button icon would appear and I could rip it in HALF! So, I tried rushing it...


NOPE.

HOW THE HECK DO YOU KILL IT? You can't TOUCH it. I just jumped over it, since its obviously invincible. Not like it poses a threat. the stupid turd just walked off the screen. I jumped into one of the weird question block things and this weird mushroom looking thing slid out of it and moved around. It didn't have any legs or anything. Since it came out of a block, I figured that maybe it was some sort of pickup...maybe a weapon. When I touched it, my little blob man had what looked like a seizure and turned into a tall blob man. ...What? This game doesn't get any prettier. There are wierd pipe things coming out of the ground for no reason, and the sky is one solid color with a couple white things that I suppose are clouds.


...seriously

I'll do you guys a favor and show you what this game SHOULD look like...


Awesome.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, so I just keep going to the right. I jumped over a few pipes and saw some of those retarded walking invincible turds stuck in-between some of the pipes. They still didn't do anything...they just walked...back and forth. I finally got to a break in the ground. I thought about jumping in, but it was probably a pit. I've seen enough of those to know they're no good! I jumped over the pit with my slow-moving turd man (can't you make him go faster? ugh) and saw some more of those little walking turds. When they landed on some of the brick blocks, I hit the block out from underneath it to see what it would do. The stupid little thing actually died, and some numbers flew out of him. Huh? Also, an odd glowing flower popped out of the block! It had the same sound (relatively speaking...the sound in this game is worse than some of the first Playstation games!) the mushroom had when it came out of its block. So, I grabbed it and my blob man turned to different colors. Even his hair changed. Huh? I didn't know what happened. I pressed the B button, and he shot out a little red bouncing circle. That must have been his weapon, whatever it was. I wanted to test it out on the second walking turd, but it walked off screen to the left. I was going to follow it, but...


...SOMEONE FORGOT TO PROGRAM "go left" INTO THE GAME!

HUH? WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THIS? The level doesn't scroll back at all! HOW DID THIS BUGGY GAME GET RELEASED? Its bad enough that the whole game looks like melted legos...now I can't even play it fully? Right still worked, though. Seriously, there's a lot wrong with this game. No cars or real weapons or AI or... anyway, I'll try and keep going. There was another pit, and I barely made it over it. Now there were these weird turtle things started walking towards me. They looked different from the turds, but I killed them with my red bouncing circles. One was jumping around and, before he hit me, I jumped over it. I hit a block in the process, and a strange glowing star came out and bounced to the right. I shot the fleeing turtle and than chased after the star. When I touched it, the music changed, and my blob man started glowing a bunch. I kept going to the right and there were a bunch of walking turds. I touched the first one and it died instantly! It was exactly the opposite of the first encounter!


DDDDIIIIEEEEE.

I totally ran through the rest of them, making numbers fly out of their falling bodies. It was so awesome. Well, as awesome as this game ever gets. Watching a bunch of small turd creatures fall off the screen as your man blob plows into all of them isn't too much. The power wore off, though. Figures they wouldn't let you keep having FUN in this "game." I finally got to this huge pile of squares. It looked kind of like a staircase in shape. I climbed to the top. The level kept going. I jumped off and my little blob man latched onto some line with a triangle at the top. I think it was supposed to be a flag. Than I lost control of my guy, and he walked into some castle, another flag with a star on it rose up, and than a bunch of red stuff in the sky made noise.


So many nothings going on at once.

This game doesn't have any sort of plot or anything. It doesn't make any sense. A mushroom thing made my guy big. And a flower made my guy change color and let him shoot circles. And things didn't get any better. Something that sorta resembled a cutscene happened; my blob man walked into a pipe next to the castle.


What the heck is going on?

I think I was underground, but all the same graphics were back, only in different colors. The little turd things looked diseased now. They still died from my little circle attacks, however. The only thing different from the first level was the colors and the placement of all the blocks. The same stupid looking enemies that wander around were back, only a different color. They all died the same way, they all never tried to hurt me on purpose. I got to this one stupid part where the entryway was only one block high. Who left that mistake in? I had to duck under each one and jump and break it. That's stupid, much like this whole game. Ugh. Than I got to some more pipes, only weird things with teeth were coming in and out of them repeatedly. I tried jumping over one, but my stupid blob man got hit and turned back into a small blob man. This game just ticked me off. I got to some moving platforms and than to another pipe thing with a bunch of space to the right of it.


Lazy, lazy programming.


Ugh.

You know what? I'm through with this game. I can't take it anymore. WHY DID THIS WIN? HOW DID THIS GAME BEAT OUT ANYTHING? My friends were wrong. Nintendo isn't for kids. Nintendo isn't for anyone with half a brain. They don't bother putting anything in their games. No features or cars or voices or anything! I just turned the stupid blocky dusty thing off and threw it at the wall. It didn't break, though. It can't even do that right. This game gets a -1000000000 out of 10. I'm going to go play Madden now. SEE YA.

The first part of hopefully a series.

Oh how cute the youngins are. Mabey that "dad" should have given a kid a dose of reality.

I think the most pathetic thing is that we have 20+ year olds with the same logic.

hah! yeah, thats true enough....

Wish I was his father, I would make him play that game for 3 weeks straight. Or give him a history lesson in videogaming. That little kid looks like a drunk with a lazy eye.

well, its all a joke anyway.

so lets all eat somebodys spleen

<_<>_>



actually... the kid does look tipsy, doesnt he?

...................................wow.

This thing is funny and totally cannot be real. I know an 8-year-old who's better versed in old-school gaming. Even was enjoying FF6. And he owns PS2.

I didn't read the article but I looked at the pictures and that was enough to tell me you're dumb.

that kid doesn't know anything!!!

Is there anyway to contact that little brat?

So many things wrong with what he said:

1. Super Mario Bros. came out in freaking 1985!!!! How on earth would ANYONE have the technology for voices, higher graphics... and everything that brat thought it should have. That kid wasn't even ALIVE in 1985.

2. Nintendo did not rip is controllers D-pad, start, and select button from playstating seeing that Sony wasn't even MAKING a console yet. So if you want to get down to the nitty-gritty, you'd have to say that Sony ripped of Nintendo..... idiot.

3. If he is too stupid to figure out to jump on enemies then he should have never even said a word. Freaking n00b. Didn't even know that B helps you run faster, jump higher.... but did know it threw fire balls. *pats kid on head......... with mallet*

4. well, I can't think of anything else besides the fact that the kid really sucks. I would go back and read it again... I'm sure I can find more points, but I would end up punching my monitor...

*is in a bad mood now*

*goes and plays Mario Sunshine... or something*

I think Ixy made this all up. There's no link to anyplace it would've come from. Not to mention Ixy doesn't seem to note that he found it at all. He just posted it and that was that.

But hey, as long as it's still funny, you need to do either Duck Hunt or Final Fantasy.

Oh, no. I'm sorry. This was not made up by me. I coulda swore I put a link in there. But here it is now:

http://kirbu.munkki.org

I don't think you have the right site. I can't find that "article", not to mention it seems to be a Zelda place, which is definately Nintendo, which this kid seems to be against.

Nah, see, it's not a kid who wrote this. It's a full-grown guy who did this as a joke.