Please scroll down to find the first chapter of my story.

the writing isnt that good but the story is nice.

rating:

out of

That's what I was afraid of. I can come up with nice stories, but can't put them in good words.

I'll see what I can do today and tomorrow.

Facts, will you be continuing this story? It looked liked it was about to go somewhere .... Surely that wasn't all there was to it?

I'm working on it in my spare time from school, the mag. (And now the Wii.) I added about 2 paragraphs from what's already there and I have changed some of the text in that first part to make it sound more perfessional.

It kinda sounds like a poem the way you talk in it. I think its kinda cool to be honest.

I was not bored reading it. I will give you an 8 so far out of a 10. I like it.

Hmm, well, perhaps if the entries in the journal were separated a bit better. It also seems to go by so fast, that I can't tell what exactly is going on.

I plan on removing the journal in my edit.

Thanks on the reviews people, I plan on having my revised version up soon.

Here is the revised chapter one of Inexistence:

Inexistence

Prologue

It is the year 2572. The world has been on the edge of destruction for near 100 years. Gasoline shortages and the invention of robot slaves have almost torn the world apart. Due these factors, many countries have been divided into many small fortresses. These fortresses are almost always at war with each other over land. One area that has never made contact with another land in almost 70 years is Geloze, named after it’s ruler Geloze IX. This land is about to make a great discovery that could lead to the beginning of a new age, an age where people are at peace, an age without war.


“What is this?â€

this is great in my opinion

i actually think this is better than my story

next chapter!

Chapter 2

As Jerome and Reford searched for any scrap of food, they continued to hear and many moans and occasional screams. They knew this place was very dangerous, they were going to need to stay out of the way if they wanted to survive.

“How can there be no food down here?â€

Wow, this has me really on edge. What happens next?

Its an amazing story

Any more comments from anyone?

heh, i think you added the description of the cell in Chapter one from the first time i read it. 'bloody handprints and wierd marks on the walls' It was good... it worked ^_^

You've got an interesting story here, with plot and character and all the necessary components. There are also, i think, a lot of moments where you could elaborate on what's happening if you chose. The point where Jerome and Reford are in their cell for instance, they just go from being angry to looking for food. Absolutely no sadness or shock from either of them, no introspection, just annoyance and then practicality. That'd work if only one of them did it, so the other could be all;

'ZOMG what will the wife and kids/my fiance due to return from travelling in less than a week/the family of orphans i secretly protect from the guards/the Great Deku Tree do without me now?!? i must escape... O_o'

as a counterpoint.

... as it is it perhaps makes them seem too calm, like they break out of dungeons all the time. Also, they don't seem very surprised about eating rats. Do Jerome and Reford not talk to the guards themselves at all? Is everyone silent while all this is going on? Are the pair not trying to escape or anything?

... while i do talk about the possibilities for lengthening the story or adding further character to the main pair, at the same time there are no flaws or plot-holes in the narrative, and I enjoyed reading it. ^_^ i'm looking forward to the next chapter.

Sorry for answering you so late Regal.

The reason they don't seemed scared is because they work for Geloze and have been to the dungeons before. They know their way around and know all the passages and things.

I will explain in the next chapter why they don't try to excape as soon as possible.